Separate beds = Happy home?
Topic of the day;
Sleeping arrangements.
There are so many different ways couples and even families sleep.
Some are cultural, some are out of necessity, some are for security.
There are those that fit into the societal norm.
As well as those that are a bit unconventional for no other reason than, we prefer it, like mine.
That's right.
Today I want to talk about my sleeping arrangement with my husband.
Spoiler alert, it's magical!
Grab a drink of your choice, a cozy blanket and enjoy.
I’m going to caveat this right off the bat by saying, this is just a humorous way for me to bring light to different sleeping arrangement in case it reaches anyone who may be considering it. All of this is just my own experience, marriage, and personal opinion.
When in history did we, as the human species, decide to start sharing a bed with our significant other?
I'm truly curious. Maybe I'll look this up later.
Actually, now that I'm thinking about it,
I do think there was a push for the same bed when department stores started selling bigger beds.
Hm. Lets see if I'm correct at the end.
^Ok, so I did look this up.
I was not correct, but I found detailed information on the history of partners sleeping arrangements.
I will be compiling the information I have and eventually adding to the Sleep Education page if anyone is interested.^
SQUIRREL!
So Whoever it was that thought:
"This is a great idea! Now lets make the rest of the world aware so everyone thinks you must sleep in the same bed as your spouse or your marriage is in trouble."
You can go suck a Gatorade bottle.
My husband and I have found the trick to the most harmonist of marriages and the sweetest of dreams for both.
It comes in the from of, us each having our own beds.
We've straight up switched over to the old I Love Lucy Episodes from the 1950's.
Separate beds, but in the same room still.
Next to each other, just like Lucy and Ricky.
I’m even the funnier one!
I got lucky with this one and he doesn't snore, but he is a very large, gangly, Yeti shaped human.
So he takes up a lot of space.
I'm a small person.
However; I also take up a lot of space.
But, that is not the reason for our separate bed situation.
No, that comes from the fact that he tends to fling his long, gangly appendices around like he's doing the hokey pokey, in his sleep.
I've had an elbow to the head, I've been half laid on. (literally like I was just a pillow he was rolling over onto).
The real kicker...
Pun not intended, but appreciated. Thanks brain.
Was, when one night, he kicked his leg out so far and hard, he kicked my legs clear off the bed.
A queen size bed.
Yes, we could have gotten a King.
It was discussed.
We have slept in a King together...
It was only mildly better.
When I tell you that man is all legs and arms... ya know what, actually
Picture Migo from the movie Smallfoot.
Literally, we've laid next to each other on our backs and compared our torso sizes.
They are the same.
I am 4'11".
He is 6'1".
He may be my “Short Torso King” but even a king size bed wouldn't help our situation.
I can still hear his leg fling up and kick the wall his bed is next to from time to time.
And every time I breathe a sigh of relief that it's the wall and not my legs as I stretch out in my own full size bed next to his.
Good sleep = Happy marriage
For us.
I'm a light sleeper, so sleeping in separate beds, rooms, etc. has been something I've brought up with everyone I've lived with.
I've always been met with a resounding:
"Absolutely not.”
“What about intimacy?”
“That's too separate.”
“That's not what happy couples do.”
When I brought it up this time, I was again met with a no.
I get it.
Society tells us, a happily married couple sleeps in the same room, in the same bed.
That's the status quo.
That is our signal to the outside world “We are happy! See!”
Anything outside of the status quo is scary and means there is trouble in paradise.
Society also has us believing the only time we can be intimate with our partner is in our bed.
Or that the bed is the most common place.
I literally once had a therapist say to me:
“The bed should be for two things and two things only.”
“Sex and Sleep.”
Instantly lost trust.
I wasn’t speaking about sex at any point in our conversation;
This was also my first time meeting the man.
I never went back.
Haven’t seen a therapist since.
No wonder society thinks this way if this is the advice they are being given when discussing troubles sleeping and using sleeping aids with a therapist.
Well, I'm here to break that stigma for you!
Sex and intimacy can happen anywhere in your home you and your consenting partner want!
Not just the bed... Or even just the bedroom.
Beds also are not just for sex and sleep. I personally am typing this on my laptop on my bed while my husband peacefully sleeps in his bed a floor lamps distance away.
Intimacy can and should be spontaneous at times, if not all the time.
You don't need one single bed you share just for intimacy.
So squash that idea right now.
What about cuddling at night?
That can also happen literally anywhere, even one of our beds.
I personally can not fall asleep cuddling so that's a non issue for me.
If it is for you, remember;
You get to make the rules to your own relationship.
You get to say, "Ok, lets cuddle on this bed for a bit then go to our own beds or rooms and get the best nights sleep."
What about just spending time talking?
Well, we do that a lot in the living room.
We've had countless check ins on our couch.
Significantly more than we've had in the bed.
Our beds are also next to each other so we can still talk, but we aren't in each others space.
So, how did I "convince" Shermbot to be ok with us getting separate beds?
I just told him how I felt, how badly I was sleeping, asked how he was sleeping.
I laid it all out that nothing changes, we just get better sleep.
He took some time but at a later date he came up to me out of the blue and said "Ok, let's do it. Let's get separate beds. I think it's a great idea."
I immediately got one of my kids beds out of her room while she wasn't here and moved into our room to sleep on.
She did let me know that if I ever need to borrow her bed or go sleep on her bed, I’m allowed.
So do not fret, permission has been granted. 🥰
The next day we were both feeling great!
So well rested!
It was magic.
From that moment on we decided this is OUR marriage and WE get to decide how we define it.
Our way is by different beds.
But still in the same room.
Some couples prefer separate rooms as well;
This is where our lack of snoring really comes in handy.
It's actually really fun. Right now my mattress is just on the floor (my bed frame comes on St. Patrick's Day!) so it truly feels like back when I was a kid and my best friend had a trundle bed under hers.
When I'd stay the night, we'd pull it out and that's where I'd sleep, essentially on the mattress on a floor, next to her bed.
We'd be up all night giggling, telling stories, trying to scare each other, dreaming about our futures, who we would marry, what our kids names would be. Would we live next to each other? Duh! Hehe.
Those are some of my fondest memories.
Now as an adult I get to relive them with my literal best friend for life.
We also stay up giggling, dreaming about the future, telling stories.
We have a single lamp between our beds.
It's one of those rectangle lamps with shelves.
We each put our glasses on it at the end of the night.
I turn on our white noise.
He turns off the light.
We will say our goodnights but usually end up chatting for a bit then he passes out and I listen to ASMR peacefully without worrying about disturbing anyone else and stretch out on my cozy bed before falling asleep myself.
Another bonus I just thought of;
He's a morning person.
I am a night owl to my core.
He's up early every morning.
I never realize he's gotten up.
Most days he says “Oh did ‘this or that’ wake you up? I thought it was so loud.”
Nope! Didn’t hear a thing, did not disturb my sleep one bit.
So to wrap it up;
I get to stay in my peaceful dreamland slumber without disturbance.
He gets to Hokey Pokey his way through the night with only the wall slightly disturbed.
It's wonderful.
Highly recommend.
10/10.
Even he says it's a game changer.
And our marriage is better than ever.
He's yet again proven to me I am safe with him.
He is safe to bring my thoughts and ideas to.
He will actually listen and consider what I'm saying.
I have confidence I will be heard in my marriage and my separate bed proves it.
-The Messy Hippie 🌈✌🏻
