I had no warning about who you are…
“I’m gonna start this out by saying
I really meant well from the start.
Take a broken man right in my hands
And then put back all his parts.
But you’re not HALF the man you think that you are.”
-Halsey
It started with a conversation.
An introduction.
A quick chat about something we would hate to be stuck doing.
Innocent.
All of the conversations were innocent.
Superficial.
But the undertone wasn’t.
After my last blog about love bombing, I decided to go ahead and tell some of the story about my toxic relationship, but mostly the very beginning when the warning signs were there now looking back in hindsight but I was too mentally unwell to see a way out.
I’m telling this part of the story to shed light on what I consider to be love bombing or at the very least the red flags I should have paid more attention to in hopes it helps even ONE person not step into a toxic relationship.
It all seemed so normal.
I wanted CASUAL.
I tried to explain my situation.
He said “It’s ok, I don’t need to know.”
Red flag one.
He DID need to know the situation. It WAS IMPORTANT.
Ok, so fine, we will talk about it at a later date.
Exchanged phone numbers.
It hadn’t even been 5 minutes since and my phone already had a text from him.
I thought that was a bit fast but ok. (I was working)
The texts were intense on his end VERY fast.
Red flag two.
I wanted casual, I wanted a fling, I wanted some fun and flirting.
I was not looking for the love of my life.
And I knew he wasn’t it.
Without even knowing anything substantial about me, he didn’t even KNOW MY SITUTIATION, he was telling me that he hopes he can take me on a luxurious vacation he had been on then sent me a selfie of him on said vacation saying he wished I was in the photo.
This was night ONE.
Now, I WILL be pointing out my OWN mistakes in all of this because I am NOT totally innocent. I went along with things that my gut were SCREAMING not to.
That evening after we exchanged numbers he asked me on a date for a Monday, it was a Wednesday.
I accepted.
It was an innocent date for dinner and a movie.
We continued talking and then he brought up the idea of me coming with him to an event with him where I’d meet pretty much his ENTIRE family.
It was on the Saturday.
So before the first date… I was perplexed because then that would end up being our first date.
He said it would be casual, not long, just me being his date type of thing then we could go get dinner after.
I thought about it then decided instead of the Monday date we’d just do the Saturday thing instead.
In my head it wasn’t a big deal.
I was just a stand in date.
Red flag three. (I will 100% own that I should have said absolutely no to the Saturday date though)
Since I wasn’t going to see him again in person until that date and I didn’t want it to be even more awkward, I decided to meet up during his lunch hour the day before the date.
That day I got all dolled up and when I saw him, I went in for the kiss.
It had just been snowing and I was standing outside by my van.
I thought we’d chat a minute then he’d go eat lunch on his lunch break.
That’s not what happened though.
He said he had something for me in his car.
I said ok and went with him to it…
Red flag four.
(What is wrong with me?! Girl. Just say, nah. I’m uncomfy and peace out. Stop being a people pleaser!)
So we get into his car and we were chatting a bit.
Then he hands me some “gifts”.
They are items he had purchased from the vacation he had been on, the one he had told me about.
They were women’s jewelry including earrings…
Now, I haven’t worn earrings since 2008, in fact, the holes have closed up.
Of course there is no way for him to know that because again, HE KNEW NOTHING ABOUT ME.
So why randomly gift me these items you have no idea if I can even use?
What a literal waste.
In addition to those was a “date night” thing of sticks with date ideas written on it.
Ok.
Interesting…
But also; RED FLAG!!!
Why is he even giving me gifts?
We literally have not even been on a first date!
I didn’t know what to do so I just thanked him said it was very sweet of him and asked if his lunch hour was over.
It was not.
Dang.
Back to chatting…
This is where I feel like I was sort of trapped in a way.
Now I fully understand I am a GROWN adult and have autonomy over my own self.
I am CAPABLE of saying “Nope, I’m out.” but in reality that isn’t what happened for a multitude of reasons.
I do take responsibility for the fact that I stayed but it does not change my experience.
Moving on;
In the vehicle after we had just seen each other in person for the first time since we started texting, after we kissed (a quick peck!) in the freezing cold and I followed him across a parking lot to his vehicle to sit in with just him and he gave me random “gifts” that were in no way shape or form meant for ME, there was no thought or meaning. They would have been presented to whoever the next girl would have been.
I was literally replaceable.
I was a prop.
Essentially an actor.
Just plop another human with a beating heart in that seat that showed interest and they would have gotten those “gifts”.
After I had gotten myself into all of that, after I was taken a back by what I had been presented, I was hoping the time was up so I could move on with my day, when out of no where I was being told something incredibly traumatic that this person had went through that involved some self-harm and an ex.
I will NOT be going into detail because it is not my story to tell. (and not this isn’t the big deep dark one)
I hope you are sitting all cozy with your blanket and drink ready to sip the tea with me.
Close your eyes and picture this;
A grown man in the drivers seat of his vehicle that is surrounded by his favorite football team and memorabilia, from I’m assuming a funeral or the vacation? I never asked. In over a year. I never asked.
Then me, this 4’11” overly done up for what I thought was going to be a quick little in face meeting before our first date, in the passenger seat with a lap full of random things this man just gave me, trying to process the vehicle I’m in because 2 of the things inside are things my dad LOVED and it’s sort of triggering me but I’m trying to smile through it.
We are sitting in this vehicle in a parking lot…
A BUSY parking lot, while he is on his ONE HOUR lunch break.
So it has not even been an HOUR and all of this is occurring.
I’m sitting there overwhelmed, having a bit of anxiety, wondering why all of this feels so off and how I can get out when BAM, he drops the “I have been to the mental health hospital for a self-harm event, my ex was there and involved in the situation… and on and on about this massive trauma.
I’m trying desperately to ground myself.
To catch my bearings.
To process even ONE of the things that has just occurred.
Everyone has fight, flight or freeze responses to certain situations.
This one set off my freeze response.
All I could do was listen and try to console but also, I DON’T KNOW THIS PERSON WELL AT ALL.
This is all WAY too much information for me to process, too much information for me to know about this person I have not even been on a single date with and way too much to process in a matter of minutes before poof, times up.
There I was stunned with 2 hands full of things I have no clue what to do with and a single thought in my head.
“Oh fuck. If I hurt this guy he’s going to end up in that same situation. This is A LOT. I am not cut out for this. But I can’t tell anyone, it’s not my secret and then if he finds out, what if he hurts himself…” as he walks away and *Phone vibrates* Him texting already.
I can’t even get a second to process by myself.
He’s so happy.
He’s so thankful I came by.
That was a great kiss.
He can’t wait for our date.
ALL OF THE RED FLAGS.
To clarify, the red flags are NOT that he has the trauma, because he was telling me BEFORE OUR FIRST DATE and while I was literally in a locked vehicle with him with a ton of people buzzing around for my ADHD brain to hyper focus on.
That was just the day before our first date.
Our first date was more intense feelings coming from him and me trying to simmer them and put things into perspective and reality for him.
No matter what I said he would up the anty.
In the back of my head… but also, in the fore front because it was brought up more often then I was comfortable with, almost as a subtle threat, was the story he told me that day in the vehicle.
It was always there like a subtle reminder that if I end this, this person is not mentally stable enough to handle it, so just keep going, keep working on trying to get him to a more stable place so I can leave our ENTIRE relationship.
On our first date he was telling me he loved me.
I informed him he did not KNOW me and to please stop.
It never stopped.
He’d ask me if I felt the same.
I didn’t.
I refused to say it.
For a while.
He never stopped pressuring until I finally said it.
This was just the very beginning.
These are signs of someone who needs therapy and YOU, as their potential partner are NOT there to be that for them so don’t allow yourself to get caught up in that.
It is NOT your responsibility to help this person.
You are NOT their therapist.
You are NOT there to be the person they can dump all their trauma onto.
*This person needs INTENSE in patient therapy. That day was just the tip of the iceberg. I ignored my intuition and forged ahead just like the Titanic. By the time I was ready to jump off the ship to save myself I was trying to project I was one of the wealthy women in my life boat, all put together, prim and proper, ready to take on what the night has to offer with dignity and grace, when really I was looking like Rose with the whistle, half frozen, half dead but still finding a tiny bit of fight left in me after freeing myself from the cold dead grasp of that situation and reach out for help in any way I can, even via a dead mans whistle.*
I’m going to wrap this up with a reminder that you are right to trust your intuition if things feel off.
You are allowed to say no.
You are allowed to end things without fear of repercussion, whether it be upon you or themselves.
Do not trap yourself or let them trap you with mind games, trauma dumping and love bombing.
If you feel you are in a situation that could turn toxic or like the person is moving at a much faster rate than you are and they are not willing to slow down when you ask, please re evaluate the situation.
If you need, reach out for help to get away.
You have a right to feel safe in your own body.
You have a right to feel safe in your own mind.
You have a right to feel safe in your relationship.
You have a right to feel safe in EVERY aspect of your life.
You are loved.
You are valuable.
You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.
-The Messy Hippie 🌈✌🏻
